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Dating Naked, for all its cries of revolution and flapping dong, is actually a formulaic reality show.
Last night’s contestants were pretty textbook — lovelorn, seeking connections forged in vulnerability, comfortable with exposing themselves, etc. J., a pro wrestler from Berkeley, California, who self-identifies as a Nickelback fan.
While frolicking, junk in the breeze, giggles on the wind, there’s a sudden clap of lightning and the rain starts. They have a nice conversation and agree not to coerce each other into sex or romance.
Everyone notices them; they have the power to join spirits, to divide hearts. Geographically, they are a match made in heaven and the magical island acknowledges this. Apparently this is just God’s way of saying: Please, Please stop. Liddy is a flake who wants permission to flake on plans with her S. whenever she feels like “painting” or “finding herself.” A. is too conventional; he wants to spend time with his romantic partner like a loser. It's Meg, the aforementioned sprite who reveals both a recent broken engagement, her pro status when it comes to handling peen, and, of course, her enormous breast implants.
Much like a naked adaptation of The Tempest, our two protagonists were seemingly guided by some mysterious magical force at work on this island of flesh. She is the proud owner of very large breast implants. They make her more money than little boobs, and, she reveals, they are magical. But both of these souls are from Northern California; they speak the same language without even having to say a word — they decide to do naked cartwheels in the grass as a “get to know you” activity. For a while, it seems like these two really might have a “genuine connection.” But over dinner, after a real heart-to-heart, it turns out their dating philosophies are incompatible. He puts on his cowboy hat, the one that makes him feel a little bit more confident, like Chad Kroeger, and goes to meet his second lady.
We’ll get to Meg’s date later — it was actually quite inconsequential — but a quick summary: Meg is a former stripper from South Carolina. J., Nickelback fan, has been dreaming of this moment — the moment he drops trou in front of a female stranger — his entire life. As Liddy approaches, he drops the icebreaker: “Hi, I’m A. and this is my cock and balls.” The ice remained intact. (This is a standard VH1 joke: two naked people straddling a giant, high-speed phallus. It’s a meta-funny.) Anyway, they are both turned on by each other’s wanton disregard for their genital safety and free-spirited humping of a giant banana. Did Liddy’s rejection affect him more than he thought? (She demonstrates a disturbing prejudice against soft, white things. Joe uses this opportunity to assert his masculinity by telling Liddy she can’t read a map, but also demonstrates his ingrained southern gentleman tendency by grabbing her bare butt to help her maintain balance. Liddy proceeds to take a shot and finally gets to release that gag she’d been suppressing all day.
She cites a lack of tone and distaste for near albinos as her reasoning. ) They embark on a scavenger hunt around the island. “That was strange,” he thinks, “I wonder what came over me.” His date is with Xandra, a firecracker with nipple piercings and off-the-charts confidence.
An all-around charmer — but somehow, inexplicably, Liddy is impervious to Joe’s enchanting personality. Meg turns her highbeams onto Liddy, and she starts feeling funny. J.’s room, sucking on spitting tobacco, yearning, listening. He thinks of Liddy, writhing on the pole, but not of Meg. He’s also totally dead-eyed and is boasting a real gnarly tramp stamp on his lower back. After he’s shot down, rather than going to bed, he stands outside of Meg and A. AJ feels more like himself; he’s no longer consumed with thoughts of Meg. Again, as night falls, they were all taken over by the strange spell again, thanks to Meg. On the other side of the island, Liddy meets her suitor, Joe. He’s yet to find a girl who isn’t “batshit crazy,” “doesn’t have five kids” or a baby daddy in prison. and shows off her moves from that one pole-dancing class at the Oakland YMCA. AJ and Meg end up humping in the shower; Liddy goes to bed alone after Jim asks her for sex through a series of grunts. Steve then twirls his moustache, muhahahas, and they all head back to the Jungle Villa cause it’s the final pool time! decides he just has to kiss Xandra or he’ll die, so he makes up some rules that really only work in his favor and result in kissing. (Please keep in mind that Liddy is on a show called Dating Naked, pole-danced the night before, and has told two to four different people the contents of her soul and heart: This makes me think she doesn’t really understand what that saying means.) They get to pour oil all over each other and take part in a beach slip and slide. I bet Steve and Liddy are still getting the sand out of their various cracks and orifices. All Liddy has to do is say “there’s a girl here with giant fake boobs” and Steve too falls prey to magic, foaming at the mouth just thinking about “those cannons.” The spell also reveals that Steve is a real jerk, which VH1 emphasizes through a series of jump cuts of Liddy earnestly, to a confessional of sorts, discussing how evil he is. actually have a good conversation about interracial dating He says very honestly, “I’m more attracted to white girls” and her response is brilliant — basically gesturing to herself and saying, you’re an idiot, look at allll this. This show is either breaking down barriers or helping white men fulfill their black girl fetish fantasies. Steve was once in an “athletic, party animal frat,” is the owner of a big blur, not a tiny blur, and has a bulletproof life motto “Think positively, test negatively.” She admits that Steve isn’t her type, but thanks to that old tit magic, she finally feels like her guard is down. realizes he is a doofus and should just date Liddy. does, and grabs her for a kiss so sensual that I have to mute the moans because I watch this show alone and it’s pretty awkward right now. Liddy still has the power of the dance coursing through her veins as she goes to meet her third date, Steve.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating